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[05 May 2008|04:32am] |
Woke up in someone else's apartment this morning walked around because the weather was fantastic. Grabbed a jamba juice. Got in n out. Got Costco fro-yo. Pet some pitbulls. Yada-yada. All that could have been part of a gloriously beautiful day if only I wasn't doing shit just to do shit. Just to put my mind in a different place, a place I obviously cannot be.
One of the many pinnacles of my own wretchedness. I almost want to give up I'm staring at my pack of cigarettes it'd be nice to throw in the towel. Denoument with them American Spirits as I watch the sun rise. As usual.
Sitting here 4:35 in the morning an essay more than a week overdue. Sitting here at my roommate's computer because mine won't start up proper and I've paid 50 bucks to fix it except I can't for at least another few days. Sitting here writing letters to myself and to my sweetheart trapped away.
My fucking sweetheart, trapped away.
Now I really want a cigarette.
A little pink stickie on the fridge what could it say? Oh, well fuck you too roommate thanks for saying it so nicely, though, on a pink post it. It really makes things easier when you're so goddamn passive aggressive, adding hearts to malicious notes. Sorry that my pot habit drives you so up the wall that you've gotta tell people behind my back that I'm unproductive and lazy. So much so that you had to arrange my magnetic poetry to say "smoke weed less" and then "drink more" right next to it. Sorry it upset you so much that you had to stick your sweaty finger in my jar of peanut butter and eat more than half of it. Oh yeah, and no, I'm not the one who ate your fucking ice cream. It was one of the roommates that you don't talk shit about, actually.
Oh, and sorry you missed your appointment with the school therapist, who you started going to because you overdosed on coke and got kicked out of the dorms. Sorry that you have a massive hangover from last night, too.
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[06 Dec 2007|11:35pm] |
eversoANGUS: everything you say is so right it's amazing
eversoANGUS: you're the all knowing mighty being
eversoANGUS: like a god
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| the itch |
[02 Dec 2007|11:29pm] |
all feeling are fleeting
and yet i try so hard to stick to this sticky one
but i'm just left itching
sleepless
i shouldn't want to hold on to it but i want to oh so badly
just a crazed chica
but what would be expected when i'm cooped up here
and when i'm down there it gets as good as rapunzel status
all i am when i'm at home is rapunzel
stuck in that tower
having my visitor climb the fuck up
does anyone know just how literal this post is?
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[17 Nov 2007|04:26pm] |
he couldn't catch the bus to come here.
the last open spot was taken by someone else.
and so i was led to wander
and i thought of him
and of him
and ambiguity
what is he thinking now
what is he thinking now?
where is he now?
one night, probably over a week ago, i dreamt that he came nearby and that it wasn't for me.
all those miles and it wasn't for me.
what am i thinking now?
and these images of santa barbara and a beautiful charming product of that SB atmosphere so appealing and attracting so comfortable and comforting but not for me, all these things felt by another
i just see the images
they're only images
because that's not what i feel
in observation of another's emotions
i don't know what mine are exactly
images of a sun strewn surface of salt water rollin curling perfectly all too perfect barreling through drying out on itchy loose sand that blonde curly hair his skin's so dark darker than mine by far but his hair's so light lying by him in some sand watching a sun setting through coastal canyon on the edge of a neighbor's paradise this strumming music ditching class in high school to invade the jungle with smoke of marination winter formal... sushi... lips and hands and necks lust in a hot tub with bud light why am i reminded of him this moment? it was because of last night.
it was because of last night.
and that call...
all the way from SB?
why there?
fuck.
like i wasn't thinking about that place already.
my thoughts are so blurry
i keep thinking of them
all of them
they keep surfacing
each of them
i'm so fucking far away
i want i need i craaaaave
i'm so fucked up because i can't get fucked up
and i just think of them all
i wonder
i'm so curious as to where my feet lead me tonight
i want to give them direction
but it's not completely up to me.
i can't stop listening to this music because my mind is so strong on this shit right now. this is the music that is what i am thinking of. it's him, it's the curly blonde hair, the dark soft skin. it's that day the best day in so long the perfect san diego sun and this music was playing.
but that day in berkeley...
how can i even compare?
steal a sly glance and lock into a stare kiss can't stop
release of inhibition
why does fate play out in such a way?
why can't he be here?
fuck the berkeley bus.
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[12 Nov 2007|05:06pm] |
it's my only chance to feel good
even though i feel bad
and i'll feel bad
but i can't even take that chance
ooooh i'm not going back
but i see myself on the path
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[10 Nov 2007|03:20pm] |
glued together shakily possibly ineffectively
running functions as an android
heartwrenching music, paul says.
i know paul, me too. it's the heartwrenching music.
i'll use it to recover.
recover into what, though?
will i ever feel the same?
will i always want the same thing?
wanting the same thing is what makes me change.
i'm inconsistent by nature
that's what she saw in my palm, at least.
she said promiscuous.
it's embedded, i suppose.
but so is this everlasting flourishing of flusterd flutterings
i want it so bad so bad so bad
i'm peeling out of my own skin
i want to dissipate
i just listen to this music
i play it over the air
but it's for me more than them
it's mine
and all that's mine is for the fluttering.
i look outside at the trees
their branches outlined against the gray crying sky
such a pale color omitting such sparse light
and i envy the geese flying in V's
precipitation dripping off leaf tips
i just want to be there.
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[06 Nov 2007|04:01pm] |
was that a good weekend?
it damn well was supposed to be.
why THE FUCK do i feel like this.
my heart is physically pounding.
my breaths are labored.
i can only think of the million things that are one thing.
just that one thing.
i'm a fucking puddle
or a pile of dust
opposites but the same
either way i can't decide
i can't stand this box
i just want to melt into that puddle vaporize into thin air
and then i'll be able to be wherever i want to be
everywhere
there's only one place
there are fingers ripping through the membrane of my soul
i can't make it stop
my facade is just barely in place enough for the superficial acquaintances not to see
i wish no one would see
i wish it wasn't there
i wish he was there
here
he'd make the ripping fingers go away.
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[28 Oct 2007|06:47pm] |
Is this just a little bit wrong or insanely fucked up?
Will I compensate?
OOObviously.
And what about the other problem?
What do you mean? I thought that wasn't a problem at all. Don't you have a hold on yourself?
I'm not sure. I have enough of a hold to let myself fuck up. And I fuck up because it's what I want. I want everything. That's why I fuck up. Normally people can't have everything.
First one, then two, then a possible third.
I am the conjurer.
But what happens when I only want the first one?
What the fuck are you talking about? You already have one. The "first" should be called your second.
Of course. It would be silly to say that I don't want the original first at all. It's what I want more than anything. More than the continuation of my life.
And about that other problem, the soul quencher and dehydrator. Such false longing but so real once it's in your grasp your breath your brain leaving through your fucking fingertips and drying out your soul but when it's there it's God with the throne at his right hand open for you it's the most dazzling sunset.
Thoughts of obscurity reign. Is it fine to be so closed off?
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| secret longings? |
[17 Oct 2007|01:17am] |
baboonfs80: alright june, so we dont talk in pretty much forever
baboonfs80: and now we talk about a male orgy in a sauna nutting to make nutsauce rain
baboonfs80: :-)
baboonfs80: fucking awesome
june tangosaurus: i never said anything about a male orgy.
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| forget the tao |
[08 Oct 2007|10:41am] |
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The gained knowledge diminishes as the shell becomes isolated lonesome until it feels what it truly is, an encasement of nothing. The thick, porcelain masterpiece is only of value to immediate touch, glance, notice. How others have been fooled, brought down with the deceivingly beautiful emptiness in its relentless path, but destruction does not cease. Their cause is hopeless because they do not know the shell is empty.
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[25 Aug 2006|12:09am] |
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i wish he meant it when he told me to leave
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[19 Aug 2006|07:47pm] |
flaaaaaaaaakes
flaaaaakes
flaaaaaaakes
FLAAAAAAAAAKES
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[13 Aug 2006|01:02pm] |
shit.
there's a lot i feel like i can't handle right now
even though i know i can
because i've handled it til now.
i'm so lonely nowadays
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[07 Aug 2006|10:50pm] |
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i feel like shit.
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| whoop dee doo |
[18 May 2006|06:31pm] |
tomorrow is prom. this is a picture of what i'm going to wear. maybe i'll post pictures of me actually wearing it sometime. maybe i'll actually get into the dance this time. we'll see.
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| sigh. |
[03 May 2006|04:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lethargic |
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music |
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all kinds of radiohead |
] |
i felt weird
i left this place i call home and stole my mom's car for a little
at around 4 am
now it's only about an hour later and i'm already back
i went to a place
but there was no way of getting in
there was a cat that kept rubbing against my legs
now i'm covered in cat hair
it was kind of depressing
driving around in the wee hours
even though that used to be my favorite thing to do
but i think it's just because i did it tonight(this morning)
this particular day or period of time
i'm just glad i didn't get caught for that outtage
last time i got caught it was pretty bad
mom crying and shit
i dunno
things are weird
i need to leave
but not leave
i just need my being to be free
right now it's trapped
i've gotta make sure it gets let go
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| eehhh. |
[29 Apr 2006|01:15pm] |
before i got suspeded:
and then i had to dry clean medium rare seared tuna and shrimp cocktail and captain morgan and jagermeister and goldenschlagger off that pretty green dress.
but now i have prom!
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[28 Apr 2006|07:44am] |
 | You scored as Albus Dumbledore. Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering.
Albus Dumbledore | | 100% | Draco Malfoy | | 70% | Harry Potter | | 70% | Hermione Granger | | 65% | Sirius Black | | 60% | Remus Lupin | | 60% | Ginny Weasley | | 60% | Severus Snape | | 50% | Lord Voldemort | | 40% | Ron Weasley | | 35% | </td>
Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com |
wow, i'm almost draco malfoy
that's right nigga
yay tonight is my dance recital
excited
i'm doing a hula AND a breakdance
wtf
yeah.
see ya there (maybe)
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| xveganx |
[15 Apr 2006|04:23pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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thievery corporation - dual tone-reign dub |
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if you're vegan i'll cut you, put you in human stew, eatin ya cannibalistic, animalistic, crazy ballistic like the rhymes droppin no lies, blood drippin from my mouth like mace i sprayed in your eyes, because you're blinded from the world's true intentions, youre contentious about issues that need no discussion, stop rushin to conclusions about animal rights, when you cry about your cut wrists during those sleepless nights, so if you don't even have respect for yourself, how can you waste time thinkin about keepin animals off meat shelves?
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| uh.... |
[15 Apr 2006|02:44pm] |
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why do i still even use a livejournal?
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